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Katharine HayhoeJuly 29, 2026 at 12:52 PM EDT

Overnight, a masked bandit broke into our kitchen. Armed with opposable thumbs, he proceeded to sample everything on offer. I’d just visited the farmers market, so the menu was extensive. I can now share a highly specific peer-reviewed list of what this particular raider did & did not enjoy. 🧵

The runaway favorite? Butter tarts. He painstakingly peeled the plastic wrap off every single one, then polished off all four - raisins and raisinless - before moving onto the fruit tarts. Six tarts feels like enough to put a raccoon into a sugar coma. But no, he continued.

Blue corn tortilla chips were also highly appreciated. Half a bag of those went down the hatch. The avocado was meticulously peeled and eaten, and the clean stone placed on the counter. The bakery chocolate chip cookies were each half eaten. Yes, each one. Only half.

Next? A large handful of my fiber supplements, 5g each. Which I understood, as they taste quite good. (fiome, if you are wondering) At this point I assumed we were entering the “find unconscious raccoon” phase but no, we were not. The bowl of plums was next. All but one.

So what did he not like? He took a bite of each one of the dozen scones and decided he didn’t like any of them. Similarly, the large basket of peaches was not quite ripe to his taste. So now we have a basket of peaches with a raccoon bite out of each one. He did not touch the cat food …

And he didn’t seem to like the shortbread or ginger cookies, or any of the other fruits and vegetables available. However, he unscrewed the natural peanut butter and ate half of that. Laid the lid neatly beside the jar. And finished off his midnight feast with half a jug of sassafras iced tea.

Less he suffer from any remaining hunger while returning to his lair, he walked off with the chocolate peanut butter granola. We found the abandoned bag some way into the forest.

There is still no trace of a comatose raccoon anywhere about, but we have no doubts he’s nearby. For one thing, he could probably barely walk. And he’s likely planning a repeat dinner. As my husband said, “any raccoon in his right mind would.” But this time he will find the window closed. /end